Three months later….

I was downtown LA shopping.  I was supposed to be in a meeting right now but it had cancelled so I thought I’d just hang out by myself for a little bit.  I was looking at a few paintings at a street vendor’s cart when I was suddenly hugged from behind.  I stiffened up and turn around.

Me - “Lance!  Oh my God!  What are you doing here?”

Lance - “I was at a meeting for my movie but that’s not important.  God you look great!”

Me - “thank you.”

Lance - “Britney showed me pictures of the boys.  They are beautiful.”

Me - “Thank you again.  God it’s so good to see you.”  I hug him again.  “I missed you.”

Lance - “I missed you too.  So what are you doing?”

Me - “Nothing really just some shopping.”

Lance - “Do you have time for a drink?”

Me - “Yeah sure.”

Well our drink becomes dinner as we talk about everything since I last saw him.  I didn’t even notice the time as we finally got around to the subject of our relationship status.

Me - “oh come on I know you’re seeing some one.  You’ve got stupid love grin on your face.”

Lance - “Well yeah I am.”

Me - “What’s her name?”

Lance - “Bethany.  I met her while I was on vacation in Ireland.”

Me - “She’s Irish.”

Lance - “Yeah.  You’d like her.  Next time she’s here I’ll bring her by.”

Me - “You better.”

Lance - “What about you?”

Me - “What do you mean?”

Lance - “Who’s responsible for your stupid love grin.”

Me - “Maybe it’s just being around you again.”

Lance - “I don’t think so.  How’s Brian?”

Me - “He’s good.”

Lance - “I knew it.”

Me - “All I said was that he was good.”

Lance - “That’s right he’s good.  If you would have said he was fine then that meant you didn’t have feelings for him but since you said he was good that means you want to have sex with him cause you’re hoping it will be good sex.”

 I almost spit my drink on him trying not to laugh “What.  Who told you that?”

Lance - “Joey.”

Me - “Figures.  That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Lance - “hey he’s been right so far.”

Me - “Well given how often he’s wrong he was due to get something right.”

Lance - “So you do love him.”  I start to find the table cloth very interesting.

Me - “yeah I do.”

Lance - “Does he know?”

Me - “He knows I love him just not that I’m still in love with him.”

Lance - “why don’t you tell him?”  I look at him with tears in my eyes.

Me - “Cause I’m scared.  Things are pretty good right now.  I’m afraid of messing them up.”

Lance - “Jessica you have to tell him.  You have been in love with him for years.  Hell you were in love with him while you were with me.”

Me - “No I wasn’t.  Lance I loved you.  Part of me still loves you.  I never had so much fun in my life as I did with you.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that person for a few days.”

Lance - “Well we could rent a room for a couple hours and relive the past.”  I laugh and wipe my tears out of my eyes.  “But I don’t think that would help you.  I think you need to go home and tell him how you feel.”

Me - “You do.”

Lance - “Yeah.”

Me - “Okay but I need to have atleast one more drink to get up my courage.”  I laugh after thinking for a minute.  “You are aware that this is the second time you told me to go to Brian.”

Lance - “yeah and Joey wanted to kick my ass the first time I did.  He probably will really let me have it this time.  You’ve always been his favorite of everyone’s assorted ex’s.”

Me - “That’s only because I got drunk with him.”

Lance - “He says its because you were the most beautiful.”  I lean over and give him a quick kiss.

Me – “You give that to him for me.”

Lance – “I’ll just pass on the message if that’s okay.  Waitress another round please.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I got home a little later then I intended.  I quietly closed and locked the door and then walked in to the living room.  Brian was sitting out on the deck looking out towards the ocean.  I popped my head out.

Me - “hey what are you doing still awake?”

Brian-  “Couldn’t sleep.  Where were you?”

Me - “I ran into an old friend and we got some drinks, had dinner.  I just lost track of time.”  Mud is curled up on his lap looking at me like I was guilty of something.  “Sorry I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Brian - “A friend.  Well if that’s what you call him I wonder how you referred to me with him.”

Me - “what are you talking about.”

Brian - “I saw you sitting there with him.  You were drinking and he was holding your hand and you kissed him.”

Me - “This is about Lance?”

Brian - “How many guys have you been running around with?”

Me - “None Lance is my friend.”

Brian - “And he just happened to be in town.”

Me - “yes.  I ran into him on Rodeo and then we went and had a few drinks and some dinner and talked.”

Brian - “Talked.  You talked until eleven at night.”

Me - “Yes we talked.  I’m not going to stand here and explain myself to you.”

Brian - “You most certainly are.  What do you think you’re doing?”

Me - “Oh this is such bullshit.  Ever since we met you’ve acted like you own me.  Well I’m sick of always defending myself to you.”  I turn to leave.  He grabs my arm.

Brian - “And you’ve always been running away.  But that’s what you do best.  Hell you ran out on Donnie at the altar.”

Me - “You didn’t even know me then why are you throwing that up in my face?”

Brian - “because it’s the excuse you used for pushing me away for months.  And then when I decide to move on with my life and get over you.  You decide to beat up my girlfriend.”

Me - “She was talking about my family.  You know how important they are to me.  I wasn’t going to stand there and listen to her.”

Brian - “Yeah but instead of telling me what happened you avoid me for months and when I finally I do see you again you had hooked up with Lance.”

Me - “Stop right there.  You don’t need to bring him in to this.”

Brian - “He’s what started this.  Hell you ran all over the country with him screwing for months.  There were pictures of you all over the place with them.  Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to see you looking like some whore hanging all over them.”  I slap him.

Me - “Don’t you ever say that to me.  Lance is a good person.  That night at the awards show he saw how much I loved you and he told me to go to you and to be with you.”

Brian - “maybe you’re golden boy was just looking for a way to get rid of you.”

I think of all the nice things Lance had said to me that night.  “Get out of my house.  You are just trying to make yourself feel better about what you did to me by attacking him.”

Brian - “Oh yes because I was the big asshole.”

Me - “yeah you were, or are you having trouble remembering the way you juggled Christine and me.  Making sure that your fiancée didn’t know that you where seeing me.  And praying that I wouldn’t find out that you had proposed to her after you started seeing me.  I’m curious how long you would have let things go on if I wouldn’t have stop things.  Would I have a nice little set up now?  Would you come by to see me and the boys when you had a chance and then went home to her?”

Brian - “I’ve told you how sorry I am about all of that.  She wasn’t the person I thought she was.  But I’m not the person who made a life changing decision for the both of us.”

Me - “Are we up to me not telling you that I was pregnant now?”

Brian - “yeah we are.  I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

Me - “I have told you why.  I can’t keep doing this Brian.  I can’t keep fighting with you.  I’m not the perfect person you want to make me and I’m never going to be and I’m done apologizing to you for just being myself.  We can’t go back and change anything.  I want you to leave.”

Brian - “I’m not leaving.”

Me - “yes you are.”

Brian - “Why the rush to get me out of here.  Expecting some one?”

Me - “That’s it.”  I get up and go upstairs.  He doesn’t stop me this time.  I go upstairs and check on the boys.  They are both sleeping peacefully.  I go in my room and watch out the window for Brian to leave.  After awhile he does and I climb in to bed.  I lay there and cry myself to sleep.  I didn’t get a chance to tell him how much I loved him.  That’s two times that I’ve wanted to tell him how I felt and things got screw up.